Monday, June 28, 2010

June update

I've been wanting to come here and write for quite awhile now, this feels so good! Good news the tumor on my thyroid isn't cancer, yay! Bad news is my coronary heart spams are worse as is my overall pain & health. I'm all done with UCSF, it was taking too much out of me. Doing weekly trips and each test would make my body worse so I decided to stop and take a break. My pain doctor is trying to control my pain level better and once that's done then it's time for me to start seeing my friends and family more. I met this gal recently who is in the same boat as I, has multiple serious health problems and on basically the same medications as I. She's a little younger then I and out of the blue her organs shut down and her doctors said she wasn't going to make it. She hung on for weeks with all her organs shutting down, drifting in and out and eventually came out of it and now she's OK.The Dr's said it was a miracle, she should have been dead. Like me she was going in for regular blood tests to make sure her liver & kidneys where OK but this still happened. This really made me stop and think, I always thought I wasn't afraid of dying but have realized I am. The thought of leaving my family and not knowing "what happens next" scares the heck out of me which isn't like me at all. I'm a very spiritual person and this is the first time I've had this fear. Maybe because life is going by so fast and 10 or 20 years can come and go in a flash. It's so different when we where young, time went by so much slower. If anyone in their teens or 20's is reading this, your parents are not lying when they say life goes by faster the older you get.It starts in your late 20's but in your 40's it goes by faster then you thought possible and I think that's why I now have this fear. I see how short life is and mine will be shorter due to my health and don't want to spend it just going to doctors and filling my business orders. I love my business, don't get me wrong but there is more to life then filling orders 7 days a week and seeing doctors. I need to make some changes besides not going to the Dr's anymore. My business wears me out so my pain level is higher and have zero energy so I have to find a balance. If any of my buyers are reading this don't worry :) I just need to find a balance and to spend time with the people in my life that are important to me for no one knows when there number is up. I'm at a turning point in my life, maybe my mid life crisis, lol. All I know is something has to change for me to be able to enjoy the life I've been handed better then I have been. What was ok before no longer makes me happy and complete......

1 comment:

  1. WoW! I don't even know where to start.I guess I'll start by introducing myself.Hi Cheryl,my name is Jenny*waves* I'm a 38yo wife&mother of 2 teenage girls. The reason I said wow at the beginning of my comment is because I'm sitting here at 3:11 AM not being able to sleep as usual and I am in tears reading your blog.You see I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia/cfs/lupus and alot of other miserable things that seem to go along with these illnesses for more than 20 yrs now.So many things that you were saying really hit home with me&at times I felt like I was reading about my very own life.I also got to the point in my life where I had to finally stop running around to all the different drs.& specialists appointments myself because it was doing more harm to me than good.There isn't anything that they can do for me anyway, and my primary dr.tells me if there's any new treatments or meds for me to try when I go see him for my repeats once a month.I wish I could explain the feelings I got when I was reading your blog so that you could understand why I felt the need to write to you like this.All I can say is that I was sitting here going through your YT page admiring all your BEAUTIFUL pigments hoping to get my mind off my pain and TRYING to decide which ones I was going to order when all of the sudden I noticed your comment about your blog and that you struggle with pain 24/7, well I knew I had to read it and I'm so glad I did.I spend alot of time on my laptop because I'm almost completely homebound now and it keeps me connected to the world in a way,but I've been so depressed lately that I haven't been keeping up with twitter or FB or even reading blogs but for some reason I felt the need to read yours and I'm so glad I did!You sound like a very strong woman,I know it's hard to think of ourselves that way when we feel so weak and tired but when we refuse to give up and when we refuse to fill up our life with needless drs.appts.and false hopes I think that takes strength.And when we decide that we're going to fill our lives with our family,friends and the things that are REALLY important to us so that we can be happy instead of giving up,I KNOW that takes strength.So I hope you can see where this letter was coming from and not find it strange or anything because I really was inspired by you and for some reason I felt like I needed to connect to you and let you know that.By the way,I'm really sorry I left such a LOOOONNNGGG comment but I guess I felt the need to share,I hope you don't mindo_O If you ever want to send me a message or just talk or whatever,my e-mail is I also have a YT under bittersweet2100 but I haven't been able to put any videos up of my own because of my health problems(as you know yourself)but I have a short bio and lots of favourites you're welcome to look at.Also,I have a blog page but again that was mainly so that I could just follow other peoples blogs but one day when my pain is a little more than just bearable and I'm not in a brainfog I would like to write some things about my life.Well,I'm going to have to end this now because I can barely move my fingers and my shoulders are hurting so bad now(no doubt with all this typing eh?LOL)but I really do hope to hear from you but if not I hope you continue to find and make joy in your life despite living in pain 24/7.(((gentle hugs))) Oh,I just wanted to tell you that I will be ordering some of your FANTASTIC pigments VERY soon.I have never seen such beautiful and unique colors in my life! I can't wait! =D