Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Cardio results 2/22/2010 visit

Well folks, I thought the tests I had last November showed I had nothing wrong. What they did end up showing is I have a condition called "Coronary Artery Spasms". There is no cure but is treatment. Since m,y chest pains have calmed down I have to take nitro when it happens. If they start becoming a daily problem then I'll be put on another medication. The heart itself is fine, it's just the artery & muscle to it. He also "officially" diagnosed the high blood pressure and started me on medication for that and my cholesterol medication has brought my levels back to normal which is great. Why this is all happening at once we still don't know. The good news is the heart condition could be much worse and it will be a pleasure seeing my new primary be put back in his place:) Also the glass's are helping so I will be getting bifocals so I can drive again as soon as I can afford it. The biopsy on my thyroid mass is set for the end of March. Enough about the medical stuff:) Business is going real good and my own line of mineral eyeshadow is really picking up along with the sales of my main product. I love and respect the other brand I sell so hopefully I'll always be able to offer that to my buyers. Recently 2 gals made videos on youtube about my line, I cant tell you how good it felt. They did a great job, heck it could have been a commercial it was so good. Knowing people are that happy with my stuff makes all my hard work worth it. I'm blessed that I love what I do so many people don't. I don't make a lot doing it basically enough to cover my cost and supplies. It's more like a full time hobby which enables me to take part in the work world. How am I mentally????Besides having low energy I'm doing pretty good, much better then last time I wrote. I've been trying to make more time to see friends and it's been good for me. I want more of a life then UCSF and my business, yes I love my business my there is more to life:) My resolution is to start spending times with my friends and once UCSF is done get out there and meet new people and maybe try dating:) First time in 4-5 years, lol, yes it's been that long...not even a kiss! That's a good subject, relationships...how to have one with chronic pain & illness's. It's very hard which is why I've been single so long. I've never had anyone end it because of my health, if anything it's harder on m,e then them. No one has minded my health problems or limitations but I do cause I know I cant give them what they deserve. There is only so much of myself I can give, only so much energy left each day and only so many activities I can do without having to "pay for it" the next day. I've stayed single for I do feel I have enough to give, I have plenty of love but we all know love isn't always enough. Plus after being single so long I cant picture myself being in a 24/7 relationship but I could be wrong, people do change, even me:) When the times comes when I am ready to date I will most likely try and date people who live like I do, who understands and we can help each other. The saying about living in another shoes is very true, we don't know what others go through unless we have been there ourselves.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Ultrasound report...

This week I got my ultrasound report and once again I have a document to back up an ailment. The report showed my mass has doubled this past year and the smaller mass is still there. It said it couldnt remark about the salvatory glands due to an MRI is needed to get good pictures/views of those. The reason for that is many of the salvatory glands are around & behind your jar line so the ultrasound cannot pick up the glands. We have hundreds of little glands and it did show that some in the front are inlarged/inflammed.

I'll be going in for a biopsy and depending on the results will determine the next step. The thing is though the thyroid gland & mass isnt causing my dry mouth and swelling of other glands and thise are the things that physically bother me the most.

The therpistt called again and he's rather confused....if i have records stating my many diagnosis why is the doctor sending me there. I told him I offered to mail a set to him but the dr refused them and said "if I need your help I'll ask". He mentioned if these results show I have a mass then basically I will be going to that session to pasify the doctor for it is clear my health is poor and these physical issues/diagnosis do exsist. I found out I have to pay 55.00 for this session....so I'm waking up at 4:30 in the morning, spending 4 hours at UCSF for a problem I dont have and have to pay for it, this really ticks me off. If I didnt have to pay for it and it was later in the day I'd be happy to go and show the docotr it's all in his head, not mine. Thats not the case though, I'm broke and am saving for bfocals so hopefully I can drive soon again, I dont fall asleep till midnight to one so waking up at 4:30 is very hard for me and my folks who have to drive me.

I see the doctor (who started all of this) on the 2nd and I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel and bring him copies of my old records showing everything.

I've written a lot about UCSF and latley it hasnt been good things. I must say 99% of the doctors and staff are the nicest and most caring people you will meet. My eye dr's stuck by me when they had no idea what was causing my double vision and because they beleived in me they eventually found the cause. People with chronic illness's and pain need doctors that supoort them emotionaly and physically. I know there are issues I'm stuck living with, I'll always have lupus, they will never find the "gene" causing havic in my body orl conditions like the pherial neuropathy.  On the other hand they should be trying harder to atleast stop the progression and try like the eye doctors did.

For people out there dont ever give up or give all your power to a dr your not hapoy with. Keep on searching until you found the "one" that will help you.  My Primary doctor outside of UCSF  is great and after another 9 months I'm going back to him and the dr's he wants me to see, I'm waiting the 9 months to give UCSF more time & to get into their rhuem department which is one of the best in the U.S.

For me because I've been dealing with pain my whole life I'm looking forward to not going to the doctors anymore wether or not they have helped me or not. I'm giving it another year and then I'm stopping. It gets to the point where it's causing more stress then what it's worth. My body has too much damage done and it cant be fixed, whats done is done. Yes, they might be able to stop further things from happening but thats only if they find the root cause and as my good primary has said I'm at the point where they need to concentrate on keeping me comfortable. I love my business and want to spend more time expanding that and living life to the degree I can so after this year is up thast what I'm going to do.

I'm happier when I dont have the stress of going here and there and to be honest I really dont think there is anything they can do, my bidy is too far gone....this is the life I was given. I accept that and want to soend the rest of it doing things that make me happy.  Seeing my buyers happy brings me a lot of joy. I am at peace within except when things like the recent bs at UCSF happens. Who needs that?? People that live like I do sure dont. For those who read this I'm sorry if I repeat my thoughts, feelings or information. I don't re-read each entry before making another. Between that and my memory, well, I often will repeat myself. This is it for todays entry...try and be happy, take control over your life and live it the way you want and accept the things we cannot change. Just in this past month another problem popped up with my thumbs, now along with my CTS I have arthritis in both thumb joints that is causing a lot of pain. I have no control over it but I do have control on how I handle it. I choose to accept it and stay away from self pity and thinking "not another thing" or "why me". Yes, I do have days when I feel like that but it might be an hour here and there. Once I write about it or share my feelings with someone else then it's gone. We all need to vent, just try not to sit in it too long.

Monday, February 8, 2010

A crazy doctor...what can a person do

I had this awful visit with a doc I've seen only twice at UCSF, the 1st time he was great & the 2nd acted like we never met. Because my diagnosis have been outside of there (besides my eyes, gland mass's) he wants me tested to see if it's all in my head. I told him I could mail him copies of my diagnosis and test results from my other doctors and he said "if I need your help I will ask". Well fine then!!! I was sent to UCSF and they are the one's telling me who to see and so far have been sending me to department to rule out conditions. The shrink called and believes me since I have physical proof from my scars from surgery's and copies from my Doctor and past test results. Even still I have to play this game to pacify this doctor who is leaving by the way in June. Now since it's in my file I have to go to prove him wrong which means waking up at 5:00 am in the morning to be there by 8:00 oh and it's a 3 hour process.

Wow, that was a lot of venting, lol. I almost said sorry but this is what my blog is about, my life, my real life. I wish my family would accept my health and stop hoping and wishing for a cure. All I want is to spend my life doing things I want and only go to the dr as needed as things come up. I really feel they wont find the cause until it's too late. That's how many chronically ill people live.

Many of my followers are MAC pigment buyers and many have been asking if I'm going to stay in business since MAC changed the jars. YES:) I have plenty of stock with the old jars and when I have to start buying the new jars stock then I'll be raising my price's around .25 per sample. This wont be for around a year so for now I don't have to worry about it.

People ask me how I cope....well my dog helps, my business and acceptance. Is it fair, no but breat cancer and all other diseases are not fair. Spending 95% of my life in pain isn't a way for a person to live but it's taught me to deal with pain and see the good in life. Not to take things for granted. I've been sober almost 21 years, I stopped going to AA meetings after around 10. I found myself judging others when they would get into all the drama about having a flat tire or something while I was living with this body and 24/7 pain. So I found another place to go to which helped me deal with life. In many ways this has made me a better person now if only the progression could stop i'd be grateful, lol.

I had my ultra sound last week on the mass on my thyroid and other gland problems, I get the results Thursday. I'll try and write more soon after that.

Time to rest and then go to bed. Thank you all who read and follow this.